Why not call it what it is? When a restaurant bills itself as Mediterranean, they’re usually trying to obscure the ethnic origin of the food. And they don’t usually mean French or Spanish or Italian or Croatian. Sometimes they mean Greek, but usually they’ll just call it Greek. All of these nations share the Mediterranean, yet you rarely hear of a French restaurant being described as Mediterranean. Why? Because France, Spain, Italy, and to a lesser extent Greece are the “safe” Mediterranean countries, and I mean safe with all of its attended meanings. So if we don’t apply the tag “Mediterranean” to Western European countries that share its shoreline, what does Mediterranean mean? Most often, it means Arab.
Why can’t we call it Arab food? That just sounds derogatory. Take it from a half-Syrian, half-Norwegian: please don’t say “Arab food.” It sounds like “dog food” to my ears. But why can’t we call it Arabic food? I think we could. Better yet, why don’t we call it one of these?
Jordan and Iraq aren’t even on the Mediterranean. Why do we call the cuisine after the sea anyway? Most of the food is grown and consumed on land. Mediterranean should be reserved for what’s from that sea.
Let’s give credit to the nations that make this food. But before we do that, I think we have to be respectful of these countries – maybe not their political boundaries and often harsh leaders or their radicals, but certainly their everyday people. The Arabs have not “always been at war.” We are not a “war-like people” anymore than Norwegians are still vikings. Most of us are incredibly normal. Some of us happen to be incredible :). Eat our food, ask us about us, not just where we’re from. Most of us that’ll you’ll come into contact with in America are Americans. 9/11 happened to us too and was just as tragic for us. Eat our hummus, our baba ghanoush (however it’s spelled. We call our gyro kebab, but it’s a little different. Eat our rice. Eat our flatbread. Hopefully it’s not that terrible kind made out of cardboard and closer to the real thing. We invented agriculture you know. Or at least wheat. Try our lentil soup, our stuffed grape leaves. You’ll love it. We probably won’t poison your food.
-S
P.S. Side note, my parents almost named me Jihad. So glad they didn’t. Not sure where to put this. -S
I was in San Francisco recently and was struck by the number of Fortune Cookie startups that are trying to disrupt the industry. I don’t have to tell you that the fortune cookie was invented in America. In the past, there were only a couple of legacy companies that make the stale staple, but now that’s changing. They’re innovating on shape, consistency, and worst of all, the fortunes themselves. What’s next, no Chinese lessons on the back?
Möbius – Founded by disgruntled great grand nephew of Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Factory, just like it sounds, this place is changing the shape of the cookie for the 21st century. Founded in Silicon Valley’s San Jose, Möbius’ chief baker Jeremy Chen says no more “Cootie Catcher” – they make a mind-bending mobius strip. The downside? There’s actually no fortune inside this cookie, if you even define what the inside is. Confucious’ Analetcs will just have to suffice. The walls are covered with an English translation. (Cookies: $3)
The “Möbius”
American Fortune – This place occupies a former donut shop and not much has changed as far as the interior or customer service.
“Fortunes” are famous quotes from American industrialists.
Minimum orders are a dozen. They also serve bubble tea, but that’s besides the point.
Fortune Cookie 500 – These come in thirty flavors and they let you design your own shape with special software that integrates nicely with a proprietary 3d printer that extrudes using wafer instead of plastic into a customized oven that quick bakes your bespoke cookie in under a minute. Use one of three ordering workstations or their app to skip the line and pick up your cookies when they’re ready.
Bible Cookie –
run by very earnest Christians, this is actually a cafe affiliated with
the Baptist church on 26th street in the Mission. Instead of fortunes,
you guessed it, bible verses inside. They also make a pretty good latte.
Factorí – Savory fortune cookies. This place does too many things well. The problem is, most of them haven’t been invented yet. Factorí makes us question what a fortune cookie is, or even the very nature of food, so a belated definition is in order. As my six year old neighbor would say, “what even is” a fortune cookie?
Socialist calls to action in Spanish are what you can expect inside your cookie, such as:
“La revolución no es una manzana que cae cuando está podrida. La tienes que hacer caer.”
The revoluton is not an apple, it’s a cookie! Some definitions:
Fortune Cookie, n. – It must be a cookie and it must have a fortune somehow associated with the cookie.
Cookie, n. a small sweet cake, typically round, flat, and crisp. According to this definition, we’re not sure a fortune cookie is even a cookie. But we’ll go with “crisp”.
Fortune, n. I think what we’re actually talking about is fortune-telling, “the act or practice of predicting the future.” More often, fortune cookies give us advice, aphorisms, or proverbs, sometimes Chinese lessons and lucky numbers. We’re going to say that a fortune is “a text”.
Thus we arrive at our definition of a Fortune Cookie: “Something crisp with text.”
Here are some examples. A palm reading is not a fortune cookie because it doesn’t involve a cookie. An oreo is not a fortune cookie because it doesn’t have a fortune inside it. An oreo reading…IS A FORTUNE COOKIE! If you do oreo readings, please comment below!
Mochi Gnocci – Ice cream in a fortune cookie?! How do they get it in there? No, ice cream doesn’t count as a fortune. But on your receipt is a number and the overly friendly cashier will send you to a japan’d cabinet with tiny numbered drawers. You open the door with the number corresponding to the one on your receipt. Take one of the tiny slips of paper and on it you’ll find an aphorism or little tidbit of advice.
Zen Cookie – Very white Californian who pops up at bars offering handwritten zen Koens inside passable cookies made from zuccini, carrot, or plantains. Does it seem less sanitary that the fortunes are handwritten? Yes, but we cannot think why. Just look for the trail of black and white buddhas leading into a trendy bar or restaurant and that’s where you’ll find Zen Cookie. This is technically in Orange County, but California is becoming a monolith anyway right? He also works at a surf shop in Newport Beach and usually has a few cookies on him in ziploc bags. Those may or may not contain weed. Your fortune is you will get high!
-F/S
P.S. I once got the fortune at the top of the post, only it said, “Show-off always shown up IS showdown.” So that’s how you define a showdown. When the Show-of is shown up. Neither here nor there. – F
We forgot to talk about Chinese Food in our post about Mexican Food, so we’re at it again, talking about the Americanization (really, Anglo-Americanization) of cuisine. We could only think of Mexican and Chinese having Anglo-American versions, but are there others in the USA? Sorry, we’re so focused on our country. Curious about international perspectives. International relative to us that is. We’re international too :).
Why did Chinese Food get Americanized? We don’t know. Let’s do some searches.
Why did (it seems) only Chinese Food and Mexican Food get Americanized? Substantial early migrations? Huge imported labor for the railroad and agriculture respectively? 1/3 of America used to belong to Mexico until 1845!?! Approximately none of Alaska ever belonged to China?!?!
That was Russia.
Where is our American Russian food? Brighton Beach? I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard there are a lot of Russians.
Nothing is more American than Chinese Food, as served to Americans. It’s like pizza. We have appropriated it, but in this case we had help. Someone Americanized their own food. Who were these early pioneers? General Tsao is one. Just kidding, that’s most certainly racist. In all seriousness, it’s amazing, and it happened in less than a hundred years, but my guesstimating.
More research is in order. Because every Anglo-American loves all-you-can-eat. A key to USA Food is the desire to never go hungry again. This is the land of enough food. “Give us your hungry,” says the statue of Liberty. I hope we oblige.
Here’s a thrillist article that gets us started, but there has to be a book on this. To be continued…
-F/S
P.S. Sorry about the General Tso joke. It’s really making fun of the idea in the American imagination that he was a historical figure. So it was trying to make fun of Americans, which is what we are. We can remove it if it’s:
A) Not funny.
2) Not making fun of what we think we’re making fun of. We think we’re making fun of Americans who think American Chinese food is “real” Chinese food. But it is “real” in the sense that it is food. It’s just not “authentic” Chinese.
P.P.S. There is an actual General Tso, Zuo Zongtang.
If you missed American, read that. The argument continues. What is (Anglo-) American Food?
F: I think it’s sweetening things.
S: I think it used to be fattening things. Then it was partially hydrogenating things.
F: So then it’s industrializing food.
S: Yes, and molecular gastronomy, but not in a cute, nano way. On a massive, one might say industrial, scale.
F/S: High Fructose Corn Syrup!
We have some of this highly sought after substance with us in the studio today. Do you want to say a few words?
HFCS: Sweeeeeeeeet!
F: Whether it’s Coca-Cola (Cocaine + Cola nut) or Doritos or I guess RC Cola, we Amerigo Vespuccians like to sweeten things beyond all recognition.
S: Or put “cheese” on things…
F/S: BEYOND RECOGNITION.
S: The theme seems to be making foods unrecognizable. We don’t know what Coca-Cola is and the majority of Chinese Food in these United States is unrecognizable to Chinese People. A lot of Mexican restaurants also sell things sweetened and cheesed in such a state that people don’t know what real Mexican food looks like, hence the rise of Tex-Mex.
F: One more thing. There were Mexicans in Texas before there were Texans.
S: Say again?
F: Yes, Texas was part of Mexico. So was New Mexico (obviously, it’s in the name), California, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Nevada. They have their own “native” Mexican cuisines, but don’t tell anyone.
S: What about Davy Crockett and remember the Alamo?
F: Do you know why (Anglo-Americans in) Texas broke away from Mexico?
S: Freedom?
F: Slavery. Mexico had outlawed slavery and the Anglo-Americans wanted to hold on to their slaves (as slaves, not for hugging purposes) so they joined the Slavery States of America (SSA). Sorry, I’m being told that it was never called that. The UNITED States of America (USA) where Slavery was legal for another 34 years after it was banned in Mexico (1863 – 1829 = 34).
S: What does this have to do with Tex Mex?
F: All I’m saying is if a Mexican restaurant uses one of the following words on its building or menu, it’s a lie:
Authentic – Doubt it
Authentico – Is this even real Spanish? Yes, it is. But you can lie in Spanish.
Authentica – At least they’re trying to match genders correctly, as in Comida Authentica.
If they use one of these words in their name, you have a better shot at “Authentica”:
Taqueria – This used to be a guarantee, but the Güeros are catching on. If they serve margaritas or they say “Gwaaak” instead of “Guacamole” or they have Queso (remember what we said about cheese), it’s either a Mexican celebrity chef’s establishment or it’s Anglo-Americans thinking they can cook better than an abuelita.
Ok, that’s actually the only word we can think of. You know them when you see them, the real places. They might be attached to a quaint grocery store. They may be a Mexican bakery (panaderia). If they have -eria at the end of the name, at least you know it’s a place that has something! Be polite, put on your best Spanish, and don’t write a Yelp review complaining about service or cleanliness. What you’re really saying is they didn’t have cheddar cheese. What you should really be asking yourself is, but was it good? And does anyone ever HAVE TO serve me? Aren’t I lucky that they let me eat their food, and they took greenbacks for it, which are inedible on their face? And at their worst, an agreed upon abstraction (like God) with no intrinsic value?
This is a larger point about going to restaurants, chain, Mexican, New American Southern Latin Fusion. You are not entitled to food you did not prepare. You are not owed anything by walking through a door anywhere. The menu is what they want to keep in stock, but they don’t always have everything. Be polite. Be polite! It’s something we’re still working on.
Mexican and Chinese food have something in common. They’ve both been Americanized! Plus, when you put them together like two colors, you get a third color! We realized using actual colors in our example would be racist, but we wanted to illustrate fusion. Chinese + Mexican = ?
Italian.
But we broke that news in our earlier review of Peter and the Straw. If you recall, Italy didn’t have the tomato before Cortez conquered the Aztecs and didn’t have the noodle before Marco Polo met Genghis Khan. Yes, we’re giving China Genghis Khan even though he was Turkic and China is actively persecuting its Turkic minority, the Uighurs, and other Muslims. Who knows who actually invented the noodle, but it wasn’t Italians (probably someone knows, but maybe it’s like fire or the wheel).
Here is a list of ingredients that could only be found in the “New World” before Columbus and his ilk went apeshit on the Americas (not exhaustive):
turkey, chocolate, peanuts, tomatoes, chilies (yes, all peppers), corn, blueberries, avocados, beans (yes, all beans), squashes (yes, all squashes), pumpkins (yes, all pumpkins) potatoes (sorry Ireland, they’re from Peru), tobacco (yum), vanilla, pineapple
This is not a joke list. Look at all the ingredients the New World was keeping to itself. And what world cuisines would be without these?
America. Is there a post-colonial term we can use instead of “New World”, “The Americas, “The West”? If there is, we’re all ears. And this isn’t being politically correct. Time out to talk about that briefly: Politically Correct or Just Plain Polite?
Ok, now that that’s over, where were we? Oh, right. We’re trying to be polite when we think about what to call things. We think it’s safe to call Spaghetti Mexican-Chinese fusion, but what do we know? No doubt there are core elements in Italian cuisine that come from that peninsula and that peninsula alone. We don’t know enough about that cuisine to speculate right now. But we also remember that Rome was a large empire that brought back foodstuffs from across Eurasia and Africa, so what is Italian that is nowhere else? Perhaps its not about the ingredients but the methods you use to combine them that defines a cuisine. And if you look at the definition, you might be right!
America. America was named after Amerigo Vespucci. In fact, America refers to the Americas, not just to the United States of America. The USA is just part of the whole which is America.
So what is American Food? Instead of trying to define all food in the Western Hemisphere, let’s narrow it down. What is USA Food? Hint, it’s mostly a fusion. There’s an Anglo-American base to most of it, but then there are regional cuisines that we’d probably subtract out that have a different European admixture. So let’s cut loose New Mexican Cuisine (from the state of New Mexico), Tex Mex (whoa buddy that’s a loaded one), Louisiana Creole, Cajun (let’s never confuse Cajun and Creole again), Southern Food (which doesn’t include Cajun or Creole or Tex Mex or New Mexico), and Native American Cuisines. We’ll talk about them separately, and I really really wish, like Canada, we could call them First Peoples, because they had other names for the landmasses that came to be called, collectively, America.
Wait, I thought we were talking about Chinese and Mexican food?
We are, but we have to define “USA Food” (FKA “American Food”) so that we can define “Americanized”.
You’re right.
I know I’m right.
USA Food is how the English settlers adapted (or bent to their bland will) indigenous ingredients to feed their colonial ambitions. It started in Virginia and more generally the thirteen colonies. Let’s call it Ango-American Food.
I’m suddenly tired. Let’s just say American cheese and be done with the whole thing. And hamburgers and hot dogs.
Hamburgers are from Hamburg.
Hot Dogs are from Hotdoggia. Just kidding, they’re called Frankfurters and they’re from Frankfurt.
Anglo-American Food is Coca-Cola and Doritos. And it turns out to be a lot like Scottish. Thanks, Peter and the Straw for clarifying!
-F/S
P.S. Corn is from Mexico.
P.P.S. Are Doritos made of corn?
P.P.P.S. Both Coke and Doritos are made from corn.
Birmingham, AL. We’re still going to classify this as a Hipster restaurant and yes that’s a type of cuisine, almost an ethnicity. We’re not going to use the term Caucasian, though it’s funny and sad that that term came to be conflated with whiteness, specifically Ango-American people. Let’s define some terms:
Caucasian, adj. – relating to the Caucasus.
We went with the second definition because it’s really untrue to call most white people Caucasian (see the unfortunate first definition). First off, the Caucasus region, mountains, etc. are well into Asia, situated on the eastern shore of the Black Sea, so unless you trace your lineage to one of these countries, you’re not Caucasian (if you really want to get into it, Eugenicists started using this word; they also used “Mongoloid”, yikes!):
Russian (specifically the North Caucasus republics like Dağistan and Chechniya), Georgia, Azerbaijan, Armenia
If you identify as Caucasian and you’re not from one of the above countries, you’re probably just white. And you’re probably what we’re going to call Ango-American. What does this have to do with food, and specifically with Peter and the Straw?
Lots of genres of food are actually ethnicities: Chinese, Mexican, French.
Some are poorly defined regions or euphemisms that hide the true origins of the food: Middle Eastern, Mediterranean, Asian.
Some are usually terrible: Family restaurants, Fusion, hahaha, just kidding.
Then you have things that are meals, real or imagined: brunch, breakfast, late-night, linner (no one says linner).
We also have: New American, American, Southern, Cajun/Creole.
What we’re getting at is Hipster is an ethnicity.
Ethnicity, n – the fact or state of belonging to a social group that has a common national or cultural tradition.
This word comes from the Greek έθνος (ethnos) which means nation. So it’s not a dirty word that you can only say in a racially homogenized group of Ango-Americans.
Ethnic, adj. – you can guess what the true definition of ethnic is from the noun, of or relating to an ethnicity. But what about when you use or hear the words Ethnic Food? With any word or phrase, there is the “dictionary definition”, also called the “actual definition” or just “the definition”. Then there’s usage, which is what Urban Dictionary and also humans define. It’s how words are actually used.
Ethnic Food, n. – food relating to an ethnicity. Usage: Food that comes from a particular nation that is not America or Western Europe, especially countries with brown or black people. It’s kind of racist, because Norwegian food is technically Ethnic Food, but Norwegians are not, in general black or brown, so we’d politely call it Scandinavian.
Fusion, n. – Ok, there’s actually nothing wrong with food that’s called “fusion” because, guess what? All cuisines are a fusion. Guess who never had the tomato before the Spanish conquest of the Americas? That’s right, Italy! Also, India and everywhere else that’s not North or South America. So Italian is really Italian-Mexican-Chinese food! Why Chinese? They got the noodle from China via Marco Polo. Whoa! So Spaghetti Bolognese is fusion? Yep. Indian food didn’t have the chile until it was introduced to them by Portuguese traders. And the Portuguese got the chile from…Mexico! So Indian food is a fusion. You name the cuisine or the dish, and it’s probably a mixture of indigenous and introduced ingredients. What’s more interesting is finding the few dishes that aren’t a fusion. We’re on the lookout, so add those to the comments. We might try and refute ya though!
Cuisine, n. – Let’s get back on track. This is an amazingly useful word when talking about food. Yes, this is part of the definition. This word hypes itself! Here’s the real definition:
a style or method of cooking, especially as characteristic of a particular country, region, or establishment.
This is the word “genre” but for food. Can one establishment really create its own cuisine? I think Citizens United says yes!
Hipster, n. – a person who follows the latest trends and fashions, especially those regarded as being outside the cultural mainstream.
The etymology is interesting and if you believe this article (we do), it’s been appropriated and been drained of all color and meaning. It used to mean someone “in the know” and I can’t think of anyone more out of touch than those smacked with this hideous label. We have been accused of this slander and it’s an open question.
For now, we’re treating this as a culture with 21st century telltale signs, kind of a “you know it when you see it” unless you are one, and then you’re the last to admit it, which is why the open question.
It may not be an ethnicity (outside of Brooklyn), but it is an international phenomenon. Why this “meme” went “viral” is for bored anthropologists of the future to figure out. We don’t really care about that because, for the moment, we’re focused on food and photography (what’s left of it).
Hispanic, adj. – This is going to come in when we start talking about Mexican and Latin American food (i.e. other Mexican countries). This means, “of or relating to Spain or a country methodically and ruthlessly colonized by Spain.” We don’t think it’s a very useful word because it groups together a bunch of different people and countries, making them seem more similar than they are. Kind of like “Latin American Food.” I was shocked at the blandness of Colombian food (relative to Mexican food, don’t get offended, it was delicious), but that’s because I assumed their “foodways” were similar. Respect differences, and if you know the country or the “ethnicity”, use it! Mexican is not an insult! If you know it’s from Honduras, call it Honduran! I don’t know if it’s quite as strong as the Chinese/Japanese dichotomy, or if there’s really that level of enmity (neither of us is Hispanic/Latin American/First People of the Americas, etc. so you educate us!)
Race, n. – a grouping of humans based on shared physical or social qualities into categories generally viewed as distinct by society.
Wait, there’s ethnicity and theirs race? Plus the word Hispanic?! The way it makes sense to me is that “ethnicity” deals with where you’re from (city/country/region) and race is how people classify you from your physical and cultural attributes or how you classify yourself, but it seems often imposed by the outside.
This can answer many stupid questions people pose to the Ango-American thin air, such as:
Q. Why do African-Americans always change what we call them?
Thought: We’re not going to answer for them because neither of us have African ancestry. But we have thoughts. It’s probably because they lost their ethnicity (the cultural remembrances of where African Americans were stolen from are tragically lost) and the names Anglo-America called them always became or started out as pejorative.
Q. When I say “Mexican” or “Black”, should I whisper?
Thought: Are you about to say something racist? Did your sentence start out “I don’t want to sound racist, but…”
Q. I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Thought: If you don’t want to “sound” racist, don’t be racist! Or try your best not to be. If you don’t want a lie to sound like a lie, don’t lie!
Food, n. – I promise this is about food.
Peter and the Straw, n. – A restaurant from the storied annals of Hipsterdom, the head chef Peter Wilson is “in the know” in the narrow sense of knowing what will be popular, catchy, and hip to a certain crowd. The man that grills sausage, ribs, hamburgers, and oysters and sells them has customers too. Is he “in the know”? Ok, off the high confusing horse and onto the soap box, which is lower than the horse, but hey we have to stand on something.
They make homey favorites like hot dogs, hamburgers, grilled cheese, with interesting spins, though they’re often the kind that make you queasy, like a swing set from your elementary school when you go back there as an adult. Doritos feature prominently in dishes, as does ketchup, and American cheese. Yes, Peter can cook, but he’s often stuffing your mouth with straw. Where’s the wolf when you need him?
We’re not sure, but this might be a parody restaurant. Maybe they took note of New Orleans’ best restaurant in America, Turkey and the Wolf and were trying to replicate it or make fun of it, we’re not sure. Peter and the Straw is in Birmingham, Alabama, so far enough from New Orleans not to poke its predecessor in the eye, but close enough to still make funny faces. We’ll see if the joke survives. Is Chef Peter a hipster? He calls himself a redneck. Let’s just say he “has a lot of tattoos”, a mustache (no beard), and says I love you to strangers. He has a lot of Carebears memorabilia too (hence the photo).
We’re going to go out on a limb here and call this “Concept Food”, this as opposed to “Realist Food”. The analogy is art. Conceptual art is and has been in its heyday since the, what, 1940s at least? Realism has been out (or outré) off and on till the present day, but if you survey Americans, most prefer realism. When they teach you art in school, they’re trying to get you to draw things “as they appear”, “objectively”, and without “spin”. That’s troubling for many reasons, because emotion and subjectivity are actively discouraged, but then the opposite problem occurs in Contemporary Art. Realism is discouraged, so that you’re left looking at colored squares or someone painting a white canvas white. The “concepts” are interesting and the abstraction and theory and all that, but is it beautiful? Is it emotional? Is it moving, recognizable, identifiable as something more than a trick or innovation?
All of this applies to food. There’s realist cuisine that tastes good, feels good to eat, and is somewhat recognizable. And then there are mere concepts on a plate that fail to register as food. Perhaps these dishes are folk art. But who wants to eat Doritos at a restaurant anyway? (Dishes $5 to $55.)
-F/S
P.S. They use those cardboard straws in their “Margs On Tap” that get soggy very quickly so I’d bring plastic ones if that bothers you.
Anytown, USA. If you haven’t tried this place, you need to. While they don’t have some of Alba’s more squeamish dishes and they don’t wear kilts, many dishes feature in their names the familiar patronymic Mac, meaning “son of”.
If it’s a bonny wee breakfast you’re after, I suggest Egg son of Muffin.
Chicken son of Nugget is a favorite among wee lads and lassies.
And fer heavier fare, try the Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Just kidding! Of course I mean the Big son of Registered Trademark. This generous serving of beefsteak comes dressed with the sauce of a thousand islands and features three slices of bread, not two– their take on the Club Sandwich:
You may not recognize the Scots Gaelic in the photograph, but “Drive-Thru” means, “a narrow lane forbidden to pedestrians through which you drive your car to order food made promptly and pay through one sliding window and receive that food through another.”
M’s, as it’s called, has been steadily growing in popularity. They track the number of hamburgers sold across their many locations using an odometer style meter. They even help you budget if you work there (and somewhere else)!
Find one near you!
Or, you can always head across the street from any of their locations, over Hadrian’s wall, and try the British equivalent. (Dishes $.99 to $6.79)
In case you’re on Mobile, you might have missed this under the menu: Elevator Pitch. It’s how I’m going to talk about the project when I’m with “famous men” in the elevator. In case you missed it, James Agee is not Jack Kerouac. Thanks for the correction, bro!
