If you missed American, read that. The argument continues. What is (Anglo-) American Food?
F: I think it’s sweetening things.
S: I think it used to be fattening things. Then it was partially hydrogenating things.
F: So then it’s industrializing food.
S: Yes, and molecular gastronomy, but not in a cute, nano way. On a massive, one might say industrial, scale.
F/S: High Fructose Corn Syrup!
We have some of this highly sought after substance with us in the studio today. Do you want to say a few words?
HFCS: Sweeeeeeeeet!
F: Whether it’s Coca-Cola (Cocaine + Cola nut) or Doritos or I guess RC Cola, we Amerigo Vespuccians like to sweeten things beyond all recognition.
S: Or put “cheese” on things…
F/S: BEYOND RECOGNITION.
S: The theme seems to be making foods unrecognizable. We don’t know what Coca-Cola is and the majority of Chinese Food in these United States is unrecognizable to Chinese People. A lot of Mexican restaurants also sell things sweetened and cheesed in such a state that people don’t know what real Mexican food looks like, hence the rise of Tex-Mex.
F: One more thing. There were Mexicans in Texas before there were Texans.
S: Say again?
F: Yes, Texas was part of Mexico. So was New Mexico (obviously, it’s in the name), California, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Nevada. They have their own “native” Mexican cuisines, but don’t tell anyone.
S: What about Davy Crockett and remember the Alamo?
F: Do you know why (Anglo-Americans in) Texas broke away from Mexico?
S: Freedom?
F: Slavery. Mexico had outlawed slavery and the Anglo-Americans wanted to hold on to their slaves (as slaves, not for hugging purposes) so they joined the Slavery States of America (SSA). Sorry, I’m being told that it was never called that. The UNITED States of America (USA) where Slavery was legal for another 34 years after it was banned in Mexico (1863 – 1829 = 34).
S: What does this have to do with Tex Mex?
F: All I’m saying is if a Mexican restaurant uses one of the following words on its building or menu, it’s a lie:
Authentic – Doubt it
Authentico – Is this even real Spanish? Yes, it is. But you can lie in Spanish.
Authentica – At least they’re trying to match genders correctly, as in Comida Authentica.
If they use one of these words in their name, you have a better shot at “Authentica”:
Taqueria – This used to be a guarantee, but the Güeros are catching on. If they serve margaritas or they say “Gwaaak” instead of “Guacamole” or they have Queso (remember what we said about cheese), it’s either a Mexican celebrity chef’s establishment or it’s Anglo-Americans thinking they can cook better than an abuelita.
Ok, that’s actually the only word we can think of. You know them when you see them, the real places. They might be attached to a quaint grocery store. They may be a Mexican bakery (panaderia). If they have -eria at the end of the name, at least you know it’s a place that has something! Be polite, put on your best Spanish, and don’t write a Yelp review complaining about service or cleanliness. What you’re really saying is they didn’t have cheddar cheese. What you should really be asking yourself is, but was it good? And does anyone ever HAVE TO serve me? Aren’t I lucky that they let me eat their food, and they took greenbacks for it, which are inedible on their face? And at their worst, an agreed upon abstraction (like God) with no intrinsic value?
This is a larger point about going to restaurants, chain, Mexican, New American Southern Latin Fusion. You are not entitled to food you did not prepare. You are not owed anything by walking through a door anywhere. The menu is what they want to keep in stock, but they don’t always have everything. Be polite. Be polite! It’s something we’re still working on.
-F/S