Mediterranean – Cuisine or Euphemism?

Why not call it what it is? When a restaurant bills itself as Mediterranean, they’re usually trying to obscure the ethnic origin of the food. And they don’t usually mean French or Spanish or Italian or Croatian. Sometimes they mean Greek, but usually they’ll just call it Greek. All of these nations share the Mediterranean, yet you rarely hear of a French restaurant being described as Mediterranean. Why? Because France, Spain, Italy, and to a lesser extent Greece are the “safe” Mediterranean countries, and I mean safe with all of its attended meanings. So if we don’t apply the tag “Mediterranean” to Western European countries that share its shoreline, what does Mediterranean mean? Most often, it means Arab.

Why can’t we call it Arab food? That just sounds derogatory. Take it from a half-Syrian, half-Norwegian: please don’t say “Arab food.” It sounds like “dog food” to my ears. But why can’t we call it Arabic food? I think we could. Better yet, why don’t we call it one of these?

Tunisian, Moroccan, Algerian, Egyptian, Lebanese, Syrian, Palestinian

Jordan and Iraq aren’t even on the Mediterranean. Why do we call the cuisine after the sea anyway? Most of the food is grown and consumed on land. Mediterranean should be reserved for what’s from that sea.

Let’s give credit to the nations that make this food. But before we do that, I think we have to be respectful of these countries – maybe not their political boundaries and often harsh leaders or their radicals, but certainly their everyday people. The Arabs have not “always been at war.” We are not a “war-like people” anymore than Norwegians are still vikings. Most of us are incredibly normal. Some of us happen to be incredible :). Eat our food, ask us about us, not just where we’re from. Most of us that’ll you’ll come into contact with in America are Americans. 9/11 happened to us too and was just as tragic for us. Eat our hummus, our baba ghanoush (however it’s spelled. We call our gyro kebab, but it’s a little different. Eat our rice. Eat our flatbread. Hopefully it’s not that terrible kind made out of cardboard and closer to the real thing. We invented agriculture you know. Or at least wheat. Try our lentil soup, our stuffed grape leaves. You’ll love it. We probably won’t poison your food.

-S

P.S. Side note, my parents almost named me Jihad. So glad they didn’t. Not sure where to put this. -S

Can You Say Confucius?

I was in San Francisco recently and was struck by the number of Fortune Cookie startups that are trying to disrupt the industry. I don’t have to tell you that the fortune cookie was invented in America. In the past, there were only a couple of legacy companies that make the stale staple, but now that’s changing. They’re innovating on shape, consistency, and worst of all, the fortunes themselves. What’s next, no Chinese lessons on the back?

Möbius – Founded by disgruntled great grand nephew of Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Factory, just like it sounds, this place is changing the shape of the cookie for the 21st century. Founded in Silicon Valley’s San Jose, Möbius’ chief baker Jeremy Chen says no more “Cootie Catcher” – they make a mind-bending mobius strip. The downside? There’s actually no fortune inside this cookie, if you even define what the inside is. Confucious’ Analetcs will just have to suffice. The walls are covered with an English translation. (Cookies: $3)

The “Möbius”

American Fortune – This place occupies a former donut shop and not much has changed as far as the interior or customer service.

“Fortunes” are famous quotes from American industrialists.

Minimum orders are a dozen. They also serve bubble tea, but that’s besides the point.

Fortune Cookie 500 – These come in thirty flavors and they let you design your own shape with special software that integrates nicely with a proprietary 3d printer that extrudes using wafer instead of plastic into a customized oven that quick bakes your bespoke cookie in under a minute. Use one of three ordering workstations or their app to skip the line and pick up your cookies when they’re ready.

Bible Cookie – run by very earnest Christians, this is actually a cafe affiliated with the Baptist church on 26th street in the Mission. Instead of fortunes, you guessed it, bible verses inside. They also make a pretty good latte.

Factorí – Savory fortune cookies. This place does too many things well. The problem is, most of them haven’t been invented yet. Factorí makes us question what a fortune cookie is, or even the very nature of food, so a belated definition is in order. As my six year old neighbor would say, “what even is” a fortune cookie?

Socialist calls to action in Spanish are what you can expect inside your cookie, such as:

“La revolución no es una manzana que cae cuando está podrida. La tienes que hacer caer.”

The revoluton is not an apple, it’s a cookie! Some definitions:

Fortune Cookie, n. – It must be a cookie and it must have a fortune somehow associated with the cookie.

Cookie, n. a small sweet cake, typically round, flat, and crisp. According to this definition, we’re not sure a fortune cookie is even a cookie. But we’ll go with “crisp”.

Fortune, n. I think what we’re actually talking about is fortune-telling, “the act or practice of predicting the future.” More often, fortune cookies give us advice, aphorisms, or proverbs, sometimes Chinese lessons and lucky numbers. We’re going to say that a fortune is “a text”.

Thus we arrive at our definition of a Fortune Cookie: “Something crisp with text.”

Here are some examples. A palm reading is not a fortune cookie because it doesn’t involve a cookie. An oreo is not a fortune cookie because it doesn’t have a fortune inside it. An oreo reading…IS A FORTUNE COOKIE! If you do oreo readings, please comment below!

Mochi Gnocci – Ice cream in a fortune cookie?! How do they get it in there? No, ice cream doesn’t count as a fortune. But on your receipt is a number and the overly friendly cashier will send you to a japan’d cabinet with tiny numbered drawers. You open the door with the number corresponding to the one on your receipt. Take one of the tiny slips of paper and on it you’ll find an aphorism or little tidbit of advice.

Zen Cookie – Very white Californian who pops up at bars offering handwritten zen Koens inside passable cookies made from zuccini, carrot, or plantains. Does it seem less sanitary that the fortunes are handwritten? Yes, but we cannot think why. Just look for the trail of black and white buddhas leading into a trendy bar or restaurant and that’s where you’ll find Zen Cookie. This is technically in Orange County, but California is becoming a monolith anyway right? He also works at a surf shop in Newport Beach and usually has a few cookies on him in ziploc bags. Those may or may not contain weed. Your fortune is you will get high!

-F/S

P.S. I once got the fortune at the top of the post, only it said, “Show-off always shown up IS showdown.” So that’s how you define a showdown. When the Show-of is shown up. Neither here nor there. – F

American III – Chinese

We forgot to talk about Chinese Food in our post about Mexican Food, so we’re at it again, talking about the Americanization (really, Anglo-Americanization) of cuisine. We could only think of Mexican and Chinese having Anglo-American versions, but are there others in the USA? Sorry, we’re so focused on our country. Curious about international perspectives. International relative to us that is. We’re international too :).

Why did Chinese Food get Americanized? We don’t know. Let’s do some searches.

Why did (it seems) only Chinese Food and Mexican Food get Americanized? Substantial early migrations? Huge imported labor for the railroad and agriculture respectively? 1/3 of America used to belong to Mexico until 1845!?! Approximately none of Alaska ever belonged to China?!?!

That was Russia.

Where is our American Russian food? Brighton Beach? I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard there are a lot of Russians.

Nothing is more American than Chinese Food, as served to Americans. It’s like pizza. We have appropriated it, but in this case we had help. Someone Americanized their own food. Who were these early pioneers? General Tsao is one. Just kidding, that’s most certainly racist. In all seriousness, it’s amazing, and it happened in less than a hundred years, but my guesstimating.

More research is in order. Because every Anglo-American loves all-you-can-eat. A key to USA Food is the desire to never go hungry again. This is the land of enough food. “Give us your hungry,” says the statue of Liberty. I hope we oblige.

Here’s a thrillist article that gets us started, but there has to be a book on this. To be continued…

-F/S

P.S. Sorry about the General Tso joke. It’s really making fun of the idea in the American imagination that he was a historical figure. So it was trying to make fun of Americans, which is what we are. We can remove it if it’s:

A) Not funny.

2) Not making fun of what we think we’re making fun of. We think we’re making fun of Americans who think American Chinese food is “real” Chinese food. But it is “real” in the sense that it is food. It’s just not “authentic” Chinese.

P.P.S. There is an actual General Tso, Zuo Zongtang.

Zuo Zongtang 1875.jpg
Zuo Zongtang, the real General Tso

American II – Mexican

If you missed American, read that. The argument continues. What is (Anglo-) American Food?

F: I think it’s sweetening things.

S: I think it used to be fattening things. Then it was partially hydrogenating things.

F: So then it’s industrializing food.

S: Yes, and molecular gastronomy, but not in a cute, nano way. On a massive, one might say industrial, scale.

F/S: High Fructose Corn Syrup!

We have some of this highly sought after substance with us in the studio today. Do you want to say a few words?

HFCS: Sweeeeeeeeet!

F: Whether it’s Coca-Cola (Cocaine + Cola nut) or Doritos or I guess RC Cola, we Amerigo Vespuccians like to sweeten things beyond all recognition.

S: Or put “cheese” on things…

F/S: BEYOND RECOGNITION.

S: The theme seems to be making foods unrecognizable. We don’t know what Coca-Cola is and the majority of Chinese Food in these United States is unrecognizable to Chinese People. A lot of Mexican restaurants also sell things sweetened and cheesed in such a state that people don’t know what real Mexican food looks like, hence the rise of Tex-Mex.

F: One more thing. There were Mexicans in Texas before there were Texans.

S: Say again?

F: Yes, Texas was part of Mexico. So was New Mexico (obviously, it’s in the name), California, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Nevada. They have their own “native” Mexican cuisines, but don’t tell anyone.

S: What about Davy Crockett and remember the Alamo?

F: Do you know why (Anglo-Americans in) Texas broke away from Mexico?

S: Freedom?

F: Slavery. Mexico had outlawed slavery and the Anglo-Americans wanted to hold on to their slaves (as slaves, not for hugging purposes) so they joined the Slavery States of America (SSA). Sorry, I’m being told that it was never called that. The UNITED States of America (USA) where Slavery was legal for another 34 years after it was banned in Mexico (1863 – 1829 = 34).

S: What does this have to do with Tex Mex?

F: All I’m saying is if a Mexican restaurant uses one of the following words on its building or menu, it’s a lie:

Authentic – Doubt it

Authentico – Is this even real Spanish? Yes, it is. But you can lie in Spanish.

Authentica – At least they’re trying to match genders correctly, as in Comida Authentica.

If they use one of these words in their name, you have a better shot at “Authentica”:

Taqueria – This used to be a guarantee, but the Güeros are catching on. If they serve margaritas or they say “Gwaaak” instead of “Guacamole” or they have Queso (remember what we said about cheese), it’s either a Mexican celebrity chef’s establishment or it’s Anglo-Americans thinking they can cook better than an abuelita.

Ok, that’s actually the only word we can think of. You know them when you see them, the real places. They might be attached to a quaint grocery store. They may be a Mexican bakery (panaderia). If they have -eria at the end of the name, at least you know it’s a place that has something! Be polite, put on your best Spanish, and don’t write a Yelp review complaining about service or cleanliness. What you’re really saying is they didn’t have cheddar cheese. What you should really be asking yourself is, but was it good? And does anyone ever HAVE TO serve me? Aren’t I lucky that they let me eat their food, and they took greenbacks for it, which are inedible on their face? And at their worst, an agreed upon abstraction (like God) with no intrinsic value?

This is a larger point about going to restaurants, chain, Mexican, New American Southern Latin Fusion. You are not entitled to food you did not prepare. You are not owed anything by walking through a door anywhere. The menu is what they want to keep in stock, but they don’t always have everything. Be polite. Be polite! It’s something we’re still working on.

-F/S

24 Hour Scottish Restaurant

Image result for mcdonalds at midnight
Sco’ish Food at Any Hour

Anytown, USA. If you haven’t tried this place, you need to. While they don’t have some of Alba’s more squeamish dishes and they don’t wear kilts, many dishes feature in their names the familiar patronymic Mac, meaning “son of”.

If it’s a bonny wee breakfast you’re after, I suggest Egg son of Muffin.

Chicken son of Nugget is a favorite among wee lads and lassies.

And fer heavier fare, try the Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Just kidding! Of course I mean the Big son of Registered Trademark. This generous serving of beefsteak comes dressed with the sauce of a thousand islands and features three slices of bread, not two– their take on the Club Sandwich:

You may not recognize the Scots Gaelic in the photograph, but “Drive-Thru” means, “a narrow lane forbidden to pedestrians through which you drive your car to order food made promptly and pay through one sliding window and receive that food through another.”

M’s, as it’s called, has been steadily growing in popularity. They track the number of hamburgers sold across their many locations using an odometer style meter. They even help you budget if you work there (and somewhere else)!

Image result for mcdonald's sample monthly budget

Find one near you!

Or, you can always head across the street from any of their locations, over Hadrian’s wall, and try the British equivalent. (Dishes $.99 to $6.79)

-F/S

Fonts are important!

We spent too many hours creating the icon for foodieselfie.com (hereafter f/s.com), but like I was telling Selfie, FONTS ARE IMPORTANT!!!

We went with a sort of Art Deco F/S. Here are some of the rejects, but who knows, we could bring any one of these in.